SPOILER ALERT. Doug also has diabetes!!!!!!
The day before me nipple got ripped out!
I have read some stuff about feeling depressed and a sense of loss at losing a part of my body.
Lets be honest, the nipple on a bloke is not exactly integral, in fact, the thing is useless. It is there for cosmetic reasons (actually, there is nothing cosmetic about it at all!!!) but I was already mourning the human version of Bez.
So I was off to me pre assessment. Tomorrow the bad nipple would be gone (or so I thought).
I was off to the Queen Elizabeth Hospitalt have a series of tests.
First off, I had me weight taken. 15 stone. Next was me height, As far as I was concerned, I have always been 5ft 11 and 6 inches, but the nurse pushed it down to 5’ 11. I did protest, but it didn’t help.
Next I had to wee in a bottle. As in every sitcom, I could not do it. Sadly I was actually thinking of people in sitcoms not being able to wee in a bottle and the Terry and June theme tune kept going around my head. Please look away now!!!
Saying that, June Whitfield is a bit of a babe
In the end I managed to wee and gave the bottle to the nurse.
You REALLY DO lose your dignity when you walk through the doors of a hospital.
Next I had a chat with Sarah , who is the breast cancer specialist at QE. Sarah is used to dealing with women with BC, she was great. I also like the fact that when she got a phone call from me, she knew exactly who was calling her. You cannot mistake me for a female.
She informed me that my blood sugar was high and there were concerns that I could not have the operation, but we would wait and see. I would only find out if I could not have the op once I was in Queen Mary in Sidcup.
I hate the fact that the hospitals are named after ships.
It was now about 11:30 am. The deal was that I had to have an X ray on me chest, an ECG which monitors your heartbeat and a blood test. After which, I was booked in for a Nuclear sentinel node scan. This apparently checks the lymph glands to see how far the cancer has spread.
So, hopefully it aint spread that far.
Sarah advised me to take go for the Xray, then blood test followed by the ECG.
THIS was a military operation. I had to go NUCLEAR at 1pm
The thing is, it is a NUCLEAR test. The leaflet says that there is nothing to worry about having a NUCLEAR test, but do not touch a young child or baby for the rest of the day.
So, I will not be cuddling Spencer after I have it. And anyway, what is there to worry about, Radioactivity causes cancer and I have that already so I almost feel immune .
So the supermarket sweep begins. Dale Winton is the commentator.
“So Doug has one and a half hours to have his tests done before he goes Nuclear.
First up, he reaches the X-ray Dept in 76 seconds and as luck would have it, there is no one else there.
This will be a breeze.
Next up, the blood test. Disaster!!!! Doug takes his ticket and notices there is a 2 hour wait. THE FANS ARE GOING CRAZY.
This cannot be good for Doug’s blood pressure.
This will push the lad well over the time zone. He goes to have his ECG which takes about 17 minutes and 12 seconds before he is back in the blood test place.
He is still going to miss his allotted time at the NUCLEAR gaff.
Ray, what do you think Doug should do?
‘Yes Ralph’ Thanks for that Ray.
Anyway its time for an Advert (or four),”
You rejoin us as Doug is wondering what the hell to do. During the break, you missed Doug speaking to the Blood Test receptionist who suggested going to see the NUCLEAR scan dept.
Phil Thompson is there as we speak.
‘Yeah thanks Dale. It’s a breezy day here and as much as I would like to talk about Liverpool, today is all about Doug. Doug spoke to the head honcho here and asked him how long he would be going NUCLEAR for and would it be ok if he turned up late. The guy in the coat said that Harper would be going NUCLEAR for the entire afternoon.
I think that Doug was feeling guilty, because the guy in the white coat was in the middle of a heart scan. Dale? Did I ever mention that I took the European cup in a Liverpool boozer?
“It’s back with me Dale Winton. Fucking hell (I am sure they will bleep that out). This is a dilemma. Doug has pleaded with the blood test receptionist and she has given him a discarded ticket that places him about 30 spaces up the queue. Sadly this still leaves him well late of the 1pm kick off for his NUCLEAR scan. ETA is about 1:40pm. His blood pressure must be well high now!
It is now 1:15 and it is time for the traffic news with Rudolf Hess…..
”Heil Hit… er sorry, force of habit. The Hammersmith flyover is closed for a further six weeks. The Blackwall Tunnel”
“HANG ON. HANG ON! Its Dale here again. Doug has just been called back to Sarah, who has told him that the op tomorrow has been cancelled. THAT’S RIGHT CANCELLED!
It appears that Doug’s blood sugar is too high for the op to go ahead and he will see the consultant again in two days time to review the situation
The lad looks devastated does he not Ray?
This is Dale Winton taking you back to the studio”
I took artistic licence there.
Truth is, the nurses, receptionists, doctors and even the porters who helped me when I got lost were brilliant.
LONG LIVE THE NHS